I’m Not That Scared – And That Scares Me

My feelings as I come closer to taking the bar exam are no longer in the state they were a few weeks ago (see last post). The fact is, I am not that worried. I no longer find myself in a constant state of panic. As far as I am concerned – what is the point? What will be, will be. Not that I do not study, keep in mind, but I no longer study with the vigor I did three weeks ago. I have taken practice exams which are in turn scored by professors. I have received high marks on almost every single one. All my scores have been 5, 6, and 7’s (to pass, you need to average a 3.7 out of 12 essays; 7 is a perfect score). Concerning the other portion of the exam (multiple choice), I am scoring nearly 75-80% on every subject. What do you need to pass: 60%. This brings a sense of what I call “false hope.”

Now, I do not know if you are familiar with the “peaking” metaphor that is often used in sports. The fact is, you want your team (or self, if it is tennis, golf, or another individual sport) to peak at the right time. If you peak too early, by the time performance comes around…you flop. And I cannot help but wonder: Am I peaking too early?

Last spring while I was job hunting, I had various dinners and “coffee” meetings with friends of mine who graduated last year. They currently practice law in Cincinnati and I sought them out to obtain advice on my job hunt (all of them have very “posh” jobs). Because our conversation on the subject usually concluded by the time the appetizer was gone, or before the cup was empty, we moved onto another topic: The Bar. Their advice was universal: “It is not as bad as everyone says. Keep your head up, and you will be fine. However, make sure you do not become one of those people that lose respect for the exam before they take it. Those people, the ones that become too confident, are usually the people that fail.”

Uh-Oh.

I realize I have a decent head on my shoulders. The fact is – everyone who attends law school is used to being the “best of the best” in college. Having completed law school – I know that I can still count myself in that category. I communicate well with the written word, think analytically with the best of them, and can effectively articulate a position. But something else keeps me second guessing.

I am convinced there is no other institution that possesses more “Type-A” personalities than law school. For example, a situation I encountered this morning reminds me a lot of a scene I read in a Harry Potter book (Order of the Phoenix, to be exact). Certain people walk around, and ask you, “How many hours a day are you studying? Only six? I am working in about 13; 16 on a good day.” After that, they snuff off in a self satisfaction that can only be equated with a little brother who just saw his older brother punished because he told on him (I had some experience with that, but I was the little brother). The individual who only studies six hours begins to panic and a close friend hands him a paper bag to breathe into. After gaining his equilibrium, he runs upstairs to the library and begins to study.

There were people like that all throughout law school. And the fact is, now that I look back on it, the individuals who actually put in about 13 hours a day did not do all that well. I never studied that much unless it was exam period. The truth is it is not a matter of how much you study, it is how you study.

But when I hear that 13 hour a day guy talk, and remember what my friends told me with regards to respecting the bar exam, I cannot help but wonder: despite my strengths, am I doomed to fail for lack of respect? And with that thought, I have to run. I need to get back up to the library to study some more.